He is unconditional; he is incredible.

So Miss-Uninvited-to-my-Birthday read the post... on the eve of her party and her fb comment was,
        "I am at a loss for words that you would write a blog that makes it sound like Gavin was uninvited to my party because he has special needs when that is far from the truth!" Within minutes, her husband texts, "You've got to be kidding me! What the #*/$ has gotten into you?"

Um, okay... wow.  The title is "Explain it to HIM."  But now I am thinking someone needs to explain it to her (or them?)  Not one bit of recognition that a child was hurt by her decision?  No realization that my son was looking forward to her party and that it mattered to him?   No grasp that in the rush to make everything seem perfect the most perfect little soul was being squashed. Kind of myopic but it's her party. 

I am okay with this truth.  One.  It is a blog about Gavin who does happen to have special needs.  So truth.  Two.  Birthdays (all holidays, special events, and activities that deviate from the standard schedule) are challenging for him.  So truth.  Three.  We were uninvited.  So truth, again.  I apologize to anyone who read the blog and came to the a conclusion that we were uninvited because my son has Down syndrome.  That was not her reason.  The reason is irrelevant.  Gavin doesn't know the reason and the reason has no bearing on his feelings.

What I hoped Miss-Uninvited-to-my-Birthday would come away with was:  It. Broke. My. Son's. Heart. 

Now part of how I define my role as a parent is protecting my son from someone who would hurt him.  I try to educate those that don't know better, and when someone does know better and still chooses to act in a hurtful way, well we distance ourselves.  If someone doesn't get it I can't make them get it but I don't need to continue to subject my son (or myself) to those choices.

The lesson for me was even in his his disappointment, he comforted me.  He didn't dwell on her insensitivity.  He didn't spend on minute there... he moved right on to, "maybe next time."  He is unconditional; he is incredible.  I want to be more like him.  I could use some of that divine chromosome.  Our friendship could use some of that divine chromosome. 

Explain it to HIM

As a parent of a child with special needs we are use to not getting invited to birthday parties.  It is almost easier.  There are way too many sensory triggers at a birthday party... balloons, screams of excitement, presents that aren't for my child, sugar, adults dressed up as a giant whatever, games with rules, singing... usually bad singing and candles (hello fire?)  We want the invite but can't quite bring ourselves to drop our kid at the party.  We hover, we hope they will be perfect angels in a completely chaotic situation. We worry about our child's behavior.  As if this wasn't challenge enough we have gone dairy and gluten free (no cake and ice cream, no pizza, no sandwiches, no ranch dip, no nuggets and no mac-n-cheese, to name a few).  As I said we usually don't miss "not being invited" to birthday parties.

But this one was different.  It was for a beloved adult... someone my child cherishes.  It was at a restaurant where we could order according to our dietary needs.  No furry adults, no screams of excitement, and no games.  I told my child about the party and he was excited.

Then I got the text message letting us know not to attend.  Yeah, you read that right, uninvited via a text.  Oh it wasn't a straight out "BTW, Uninvited," text... no it meandered around with pleasantries, how am I doing, blah, blah, blah and then the punch... "(she) hopes (I) understand."  I understand just fine.  My next text should have been some gracious well chosen words.  But my thumbs failed me.

In the grand scheme of things, it's just a party.  Again, we usually try to avoid these things.  They aren't even considered.  So this morning when he woke up, ran to his closet and returned with two ties for her special party... I had no words.  How do I explain it to HIM?  He trusts so completely and loves so unconditionally.  He says, "(her name) 's Party?"  I reply, "No honey, not today."  He walks over to the calendar and points to where I have written it on today's square, "Sunday, party!"  I sigh, reel him into an embrace, "You are so smart..."  I am stammering for how to explain it to his heart.  I pull him into a hug, "not for us, okay?"  He smiles, puts his hand on my face catching a tear, "Okay, mama, maybe next time?"